Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
