I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
