does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
