just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
