I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize