she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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