Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
