sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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