Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
