3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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