I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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