I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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