got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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