I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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