i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
