Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
