i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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