i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
