i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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