i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
