I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i came on her dog
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
