She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
