And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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