I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What a dumb baby whore.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
