gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
