Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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