Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
