Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You made out with two different species that night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
