I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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