Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
