If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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