He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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