Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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