I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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