dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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