dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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