I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
