How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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