Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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