I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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