I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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