you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
