Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
