I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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