I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
