I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
