My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
