I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
