Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im about as happy as oj after his trial
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
