I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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