The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
