My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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