I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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