How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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