Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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