Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
