just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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