Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
