I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
