he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
