He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
