he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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