i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize