I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
