I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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