My liver just broke up with me...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
