just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize