Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
