and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
