thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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