exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
