at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
