If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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